Aki Ra is absolutely incredible. (Article of badassness linked)

So, basically, this guy disarms landmines by hand, wearing a button down shirt and khakis. He has personally disarmed around 50,000 mines BY HAND. Not to mention a bunch of other really, truly, beautifully incredible stuff. See him in action here:

So, since my last post I have been varying shades of ill, but tonight was a very important event. I stored up on my sleep through the day just for this reason, and even put on some makeup so that I looked slightly less like a lovely zombie, and slightly more like a human being.

The Center for Sex Positive Culture Seattle has a womens-only play night. This women's only play night has a policy of people with an F on their state ID/Driver's license only. Tonight there was an all-community open discussion about this policy, and whether or not the community wanted to change it. There was a huge turnout, maybe 20, 30 women. Huge, huge turnout.

Throughout the evening as we ate & talked, this overwhelming support for inclusivity expressed itself. Overwhelming. It was really beautiful, especially seeing some of the older members really out to bat for the trans women. Towards the middleish end we passed the talking-pillow around one at a time... A lot of the things I *thought* I wanted to say had become kind of irrelevant, as other people had touched on them, or I just didn't feel like saying them anymore. So instead I told them a little story that went something mostly like this:

My wife and I, we grew up in a particularly rad-feminist pocket of the US. I grew up thinking it was ok to kick boys in the crotch. My wife grew up not thinking it was ok to exist. There was no such thing as trans-inclusive womens/lesbian community where we were from.

We left that place, searching for a real place to settle, where we *both* fit in, where there was some sort of community for us. It has been two years, and we have been to many cities and states across the country without finding a place where my wife can get her womens'-space needs met. Two years of traveling, and nothing. This is the first place out of all that we've been to that has even the possibility of including us *both* in that space. I was born with a large enough vag & small enough clit to be assigned female at birth, haha, but my wife was not, and she has the damning M on her license to prove it. I want to be able to take my wife to women's events and feel safe and welcomed. It really has been a sort of holy grail for us, of a sorts, in our travels... and we're hoping that something breaks, and something changes here, and that this might be a community for us.

--
Heh... and by the time I was done, there was barely a dry eye in the room, which was kind of cool... I am glad our/my story had an emotional impact, this has been huge for our little family, after all. The support for inclusivity, like I said, was overwhelming at the meeting, it was really beautiful, I was really happy to see it.

Also, there is apparently a 2-spirits meeting up here... I am thinking about going. I have never hung out with a large group of 2-spirits before... I am so nervous, but I think I might find something I really need there.

Synaesthesia... This little music video is the closest thing I have ever seen to the things I see in my head when I listen to music... thought I'd share. I was linked to it by my old college roommate, who is a very nifty person.

Sold the car today. Mixed feelings about that, but it was really time... and it is 70 extra dollars that we can have every month instead of a parking space, plus what we got for the sale. So that is cool, and it is good to finally have that done, too. We had taken care of her little spirit already, so it was kind of like sending a relative's cadaver off to be a crash test dummy. Somewhat unsettling, but not *that* troubling. Really drives home that I don't have her to lean on for support anymore, though.. I still kind of had that illusion while the shell was parked out back, but even the illusion's gone now. I miss her. I miss her a lot.

Also? This whole thing with being laid up sick really highlights to me the many reasons I loathe the buses. (Even *if* Seattle's buses are nicer than anywhere else, they are still buses.) See... if I have to go swimming around in a bunch of germs like those rolling cesspits I mean buses have, I will inevitably pick up some sort of bug, just like I have. And when I get over this one, like clockwork, a few weeks on I will experience another one, and another one, and another one... (Unless my immune system decides to do something different, I have a long winter ahead of me.) I have been glued to the couch most of the day, although as the evening comes on I am finding that I can hold down food, water, or anything else, so hopefully this one will be quick & go away. I hope so. (NB I am not blaming the UTI on the buses though, haha. That would be downright unfair.)

In other news I started on birth control pills yesterday. I feel that my endogenous hormones have stabilized enough where adding pharmaceutical ones into the mix is not going to do anything too wacky. Why pills? I'm hoping they'll help stabilize some of the mood, skin, and sex drive issues that I have been having... also hoping against hope that they'll assist in decreasing some of my worse menstrual symptoms. Besides, a little extra insurance against accidental sprouts is not a bad thing.

On the happy side, the kittens are growing up quite quickly now, and they are bright eyed and bushy tailed, affectionate, and super smart. They understand a fair amount of two-legged talk, and in turn, I am learning more and more four-legged talk from them. Cat language is quite sophisticated, far more than most of us lumbering idiots can fathom, haha. buruna_enu went out last night and came back this morning and exclaimed that she was SURE that Buttercup had grown overnight. I am quite certain she is correct, that little kitty is rapidly becoming not so little anymore, haha. She slept on my belly all last night, too. It was very cuteamasweet, I must say, and very comforting to have this morning when I woke up miserable. Cats rock.

I do not have a camera that could capture the full loveliness of my costume, but I got my face & hair, so here you are...


( More below the cut... )

freak_in_need, it was your birthday yesterday. But every day? EVERY day, I love you. :) I hope that every single day of this new year brings you some new joy to celebrate, sweetheart.




ROCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

Funniest story I have read in a long time. It actually made me laugh so hard I was sick to my stomach. It may or may not be to your taste, but either way...

http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/10/29/neighborhoodHazardorWhyTheCopsWontPatrolBriceStreet.html

Enjoy :)

(thanks, tacit)

Tonight I begin vigil for my little blue car, Bluebell. She has been my love since I first set eyes on her. We have been through it thick and thin, but at last, it is time to set her to rest. In union with our Deities, we took care of her very beautiful little soul tonight. Tomorrow we will clean her body out & prepare it for sale for parts, for her little mortal shell is just too damaged to be worth repairing, barring a very rich Geo Prizm enthusiast coming along... heh heh.

Tonight? Coffee. Muddy Waters playing in the background. Songs of love. Good memories. Honor the Bluebell.

Hail, sweetie. I love you.

There are many people who wonder why they were born. I don't-- I know.

It was Rob Brezsny, of Free Will Astrology. One day back in the 80's he said to Pisces, "Go out and find two new things to love." My mother, being Pisces, read this horoscope and took it to heart. She went out and got a pair of new shoes, (which she still had when I was living with her, I don't know about now), and asked my father out on their very first date.

I still don't know as to what purpose I'm here for, aside from enjoying the ride, but at least I know my origin story... *L*

It is the simple pleasures that keep things battened down around here. Today, being deep into PMS territory now, I knew I had to do something, lest I accidentally start a miniature bataan death march in my own apartment. So, with a little witchery & a bit of kitchen foo, I have manifested peace, in the form of gluten-free chocolate chip pancakes, buttered with coconut butter and sweetened with blackberry honey, and some nice Persephone blend herbal tea with vanilla rice milk. Aaaaahhhh... It is nice to be able to settle down over such a lovely breakfast with the wife and houseguest, and just chill.

(Jezebel wants the pancakes, though. Every time one of us walks away from our plate, she is there. XD We have fended her off thus far, but according to buruna_enu, we have lost a couple of good men in the process... and the tribe wants compensations. *L*)

PMS today, fer sure. The exhaustion, the pastiness, the wolverine-with-a-thorn-up-its-butt rage... If it wasn't so much effort, I could level cities right now. FUCK. My wife cuddles me, though, and when I politely tell her I'd like to crack open her skull & eat her brains, she just smiles and puts chocolate in my mouth-- and then walks away. I love that woman. And it's amazing how genuinely pacifying chocolate actually is, when I'm in a bad PMS. All of the war just melts away, and turns into a rather more gentle, beagle-on-a-rainy-day sort of hormone-soaked sore-boobs moroseness. Thank Chocolate.

I posit that "wild emotional reactivity" is just as unwise as "reason without emotion."

Thoughts?

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

My gender journey hasn't been super on display for this journal... heck, a lot of things haven't, I don't use it much. (My ability to write in sentences comes and goes in waves as I wend my way through my shamanic process, is I guess a way to put it.) I dunno. I present as femme female these days, which is currently cool for me to be doing, but I have done some other things too in my short little span on this plane so far. And no matter how tightly my Lady ties my proverbial corset strings... well, I am, ever, going to be myself, no? I think in this life, no matter what body I had been born in (Unless it was one perfectly in the middle) I probably would have been disgruntled and done something to move myself back to middle.

I'm doing a lot of "being liminal" right now. (Interesting side note: the Celts believed trees were a door to another world, every single one of them, because they stretched so elegantly between high sky and deep, deep, deep earth. The "druids" were the wise men of the oak-grove, who used their oaks [also known in their language literally as "doors"] to do their spirit work.)

The liminality thing is the slipping between spaces, falling through the cracks, walking on the sunless roads, something like that. I am pulled into a near-perfect Dagaz by the strictures of my spiritual path, and someday the poles will harmonize, I suppose, and I will burst open like the dawn. That'll be quite a day...

I don't even know what to write about the last week or so... life is changing faster than ever, that is for sure. Also, despite all the Difficult Things, I am currently a very blessed and happy little tree. Prr.

xylaix and elegantblackcat visited, among other things. It was nice to be able to hostess for them, & really impress them. Aaah, by Freyja, I've done well. We even went out with them to a goth-industrial-bellydance night... Which was really fun. >.> Yes, indeed. elegantblackcat is a nice kitty, & over the course of the week I got to quite like him. >^.^<

We ended up keeping xylaix, who decided that she was NOT going back to San Francisco after all... she is crashing with us for a hot minute while she gets her Seattle feet under her. elegantblackcat, however, we regrettably had to release back into the wild. I miss him already, he managed to become a comfortable part of our extended 'family' quite quickly. All is well though. Kitty made it home safely, & our new friend is settling quite peacefully into our little household thus far. The cattens like her, so that means she can stay.

Maybe I'll write more on the weekend later, but I am still processing... (not in a bad way mind you.)

I had a really nice night last night, and this morning was awesome as well. We have some visitors from San Francisco, friends of Fishie's, who got in yesterday afternoon. We cleaned up the house, and I pulled out all of the stops on my cooking to hostess them. When they arrived the brought the most amazing, tasty blackberry honey wine...

I made them homemade organic guacamole, with blue corn chips. The second course was pakoras, which are fried spicy veggie balls made with garbanzo flour. The third was a green lime fish curry with snapper, which came out tender and succulent and delicious and really married well with the coconut and brown rice. I managed to time everything just right-- nothing burnt, nothing waited for too long, nothing cold... and a white wine to go with the fish course.

I had a really nice evening getting to know our guests and chatting with them. It is wonderful to have beautiful people in my home, beautiful of body as well as of mind and spirit. This is the kind of thing that, more and more, I live for. It lights up my life. :)

After years of being AS & failing constantly in social situations for reasons I don't understand, I have built up a certain backlog of anxiety... and it was put to bed for a while last night. I feel like I succeeded at hostessing quite thoroughly, and I enjoyed their company, and I feel like they enjoyed mine. Purr!

And this morning was full of awesome wifey!sex. It was just right. Purrrrrrrr... The universe is conspiring to shower me in gifts, indeed. ^___^

Yesterday was hilarious. We got a text from our buddy out of the blue, asking us if we wanted to go to the AC/DC show for free.Free concert? Like, totally! When we got there, we found out that because our friend had connections in the music world, he'd gotten us the tix courtesy AC/DC themselves. It was pretty freakin' cool. And the show? The show was amazing. Quite well done, and Angus Young is a demon on the guitar, no lie.

In other news, I saw the internal medicine folks at the university hospital today, and they also are mystified as to why I am tired and feel crappy all the time. (I am sleeping about 16 hours a day, and if I don't respect The Naps, I get so strung out that it's just not worth being awake anyways.) I'm 107 lbs right now, (and mind you, I'm about 5'8") even though I'm eating food quite steadily. What the hell? The only new thing I heard today is that my liver feels swollen, which corroborates with the last thing that I heard, which is that my bilirubin is high.

So, I don't know what's up, but at least I'm getting a bunch of tests run now, which is better than "...D'uhhhhh..." which is all I was getting out of the clinic doctor in Olympia. Of course, the poor sap was WILDLY overworked, but I'm glad I'm not in his hands anymore, that's all I'm sayin'.

As of yesterday, I am officially diagnosed, by a real, certified doctor, with the thing I knew I had all along...

Yup, that's right folks! I have Aspergers syndrome!

It is a relief to have official documentation. I feel like I can go somewhere from here, and do something with this. There is a positive side to pathology and being pathologized in Western culture and medicine, you know? As with my IEPs and stuff that I had when I was in school, this is legal documentation that will assist me in getting a life which makes sense to me. Well, that's the hope anyways.

I am pleased, and happy, and kind of wondering what my family is thinking. I know my mom is probably somewhere between pleased and mortified that she didn't catch it sooner... dunno about anyone else though. Probably, there will be a lot of "Oh, that explains a LOT..."

Anyways, that's the up-diddly-date from over here. Woo! (I am throwing an I have Aspergers party with gluten-free chocolate cake for Fishie and I for the heck of it tonight. :) )

Edit-- I articulated something in a comment that I was trying for in the post itself but didn't quite hit, so I'm just going to transpose it up here... ahem: "You see, I have known for years that I am AS, but was not getting any help for it because I didn't have this damn piece of paperwork done. So *I* knew what to expect of myself and my abilities, but because I couldn't "prove" it, I was effectively screwed. If someone chose not to believe me, especially, say, an employer or other authority figure, then I had no power to help myself, or them, work through/around/under my very real disabilities, creating a rather Sisyphean reality tunnel for all parties involved. Now, though, I can "prove" it. Being disabled sucks, but being *pathologized*, weirdly enough, gives me power. Thus, I am joyous. :)"

And that? That is why I am having cake. (Which came out amazing, by the way.)

Chicken, avocados, gin, and no plates. Yup, it's the first meal in the new apartment. WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!